“Do you need any help?”
I’m sure you’ve been asked this question more times than you can remember. And, you’ve probably asked it hundreds of times too.
It seems like a useful question. But in some cases, asking “Do you need any help?” may not really help at all.
In fact, instead of helping your teammate, it may hinder their progress.
As a leader striving to lead with kindness and confidence, that’s not what you’re after. So, to make sure we are actually helping our teammates when we offer assistance, let’s explore some different interpretations of this familiar question.
Why we’re asking “Do you need any help?”
Before we discuss some unintended interpretations of this question, I want to get some things out in the open.
First of all, this post might make you a bit uncomfortable. You may not like knowing what really goes on in my head at times.
So now that you know how it’s going to go as you keep reading, we might as well get the squirming started.
Brace yourself for a challenging, but beneficial, discussion that will take us deeper than we typically go when we hear the question, “Do you need any help?”
Ready?
Let’s start by considering our motives.
Our true motives
What is your real motive when you ask someone if they need help?
Do you really want to help them?
Your answer is probably something like, “Duh. That’s what I just asked. Of course, I want to help.”
Well, let me give you my answer, with a hard swallow and some vulnerability.
The embarrassing truth is my motive isn’t always that I actually want to help.
How do I know that?
Well, because a part of me (maybe a big part of me?), is really hoping they say no.
This causes me to realize and admit to myself (and now to you) that sometimes I really don’t want to help at all. If I really wanted to help, I would be disappointed if the answer was anything other than “I sure do need some help. I’m glad you asked.”
But that’s not always the case.
Yes, sometimes my motives are pure. But, if I’m honest with myself, too many times they aren’t. I don’t know your story or your motives, but that’s where I’m coming from as I write this.
I’m not going to get into the deeper psychological factors that might be driving me, and possibly you, to have motives that are more focused on myself than the one I’m offering to help. That’s an ocean of content to swim in with waves I might not be able to handle.
In this post, we’ll stay in the calmer waters of considering how others might interpret our words when we ask “Do you need any help?”. But back to that motive thing. I do have one recommendation based on my experience.
Reconsider asking if you don’t really mean it
If you don’t really want to help someone, it’s usually best to not ask them if they need your help.
That may seem like an obvious tip, but I know I’ve not always followed that advice.
When I’ve offered to help without being sincere and the person accepted my offer, I found myself helping them with a terrible attitude. And, you can guess how that turns out. Not good.
But, let’s assume we have our mindset right and really do want to assist a teammate, is the question “Do you need any help?” always received as we intend it?
I suggest it isn’t.
How “Do you need any help?” might be received
Being a good communicator requires us to take into account not only what is said but also how it might be received.
Here are some possible interpretations of this simple question. Each highlights why there are better ways to ask “Do you need any help?” and I’ll provide my recommendations on some options in another post.
I don’t want to put words into anyone’s mouth, so I’m going to share my own experience and perspective here.
Questioning my competence
Depending on who is asking me, I can sometimes interpret this question as communicating a lack of confidence in my ability to do the job I’ve been asked to do.
This interpretation might come when I’m feeling insecure about the work I’m doing or intimidated by the person asking. For instance, the person might be my manager or a person I look up to but I’m unsure of their opinion of me.
The simple words, “Do you need any help?” from a person like this might trigger my inner voice, my self-critic, to interpret it something like this.
What was said
Do you need any help?
What I heard
Obviously you do not have the situation under control. I’ve asked you to do a job and you clearly can’t get it done. It’s time for me to step in and assign this work to someone competent. Or maybe I just need to do it myself.
Harsh, right? But, the reality is those inner, self-critic voices can be brutal (and inaccurate) interpreters. Mine can be particularly nasty and discouraging at times.
I’m sure the person asking the question didn’t mean any of those things. But, with only five words to go on, my mind joined forces with my insecurities and created an exaggerated, discouraging narrative.
In this case, the offer to help didn’t help much at all.
Revealing a disconnect regarding ownership
Being asked the question, “Do you need any help?” has sometimes shocked me.
For instance, I was once asked this by someone who I thought had equal ownership in doing the work.
As I heard the question, here’s how I processed it.
What was said
Do you need any help?
What I heard
What you’re working on is your problem, not mine. I can help you a little if you really need it, when it’s convenient for me. But, as far as owning the task and getting it completely done? That’s on you.
The use of the word “help” caused me to think that this person didn’t have a sense of a ownership in what I was doing. They viewed the task as something they had the choice to be involved with.
After mulling over this conversation, I realized this person and I likely had a disconnect in our thinking. We were not aligned on the roles and responsibilities in this project.
My interpretation may have been accurate or I could have been completely wrong. To clarify, we needed to discuss it further.
But, until we talked, my productivity took a hit.
I was angry and confused and invested a significant amount of mental energy in trying to figure out where this person stood based on the simple question, “Do you need any help?”
Those five words hindered my progress instead of providing me with support just because of the way that I interpreted (or misinterpreted) them.
Asking me to do more work
Seeing work to be done and doing it is something I’ve been trained to do my entire life. While I’m not always consistent in doing this, it’s the approach I strive to take.
Not everyone has been trained this way. They haven’t developed the skill set to analyze a situation and recognize what needs to be done next.
Sadly, I forget this and I can be critical and judgmental. Here’s how it goes.
What was said
Do you need any help?
What I heard
I want you to stop what you’re doing and show me what needs to be done. I don’t want to invest the mental effort required to think through how I could help and make a suggestion. I just want you to tell me what to do.
My interpretation is negative and possibly unfair, but it does include some truth.
When someone asks you for help, you have to do some work to respond with ideas on how they might assist you. For many leaders who struggle to delegate or trust others, an answer of “Thanks, but no. I’ve got it.” is the default. Often, that reply is not best for the them or the team.
So, asking the question “Do you need any help?” can trigger an interpretation that doesn’t lead to working together and getting more done for the team.
While the interpretation may be unfair, the outcome of the dialogue is not good for either person or the team.
Really wanting to help
By now, you may be ready to stop reading. I say I’m all about leading with kindness and confidence but this is what I think when someone offers to help me?
What a jerk!
Valid point and an accurate assessment of my attitude at times.
But, to be fair, I’m only sharing my negative interpretations in this post. I have many positive interpretations too. I’m not negative and judgmental all the time.
I am blessed to be surrounded by many, many people who ask me the question, “Do you need any help?” and they mean exactly that. They care for me and want to support me however they can. I know most people asking me the question really want to help me.
However, the truth is this. If I at times have the negative responses I shared, others may too. Unless you work with perfect teammates, those you offer to help may interpret your question in ways similar to me.
That’s why I recommend we learn and use better options for the question “Do you need any help?” I’ll share those in my next post.
Before we wrap up this discussion, I want to make a quick comment about how we interpret and listen to what we hear.
Listening accurately and reframing
My honest confession of my personal, and quite unattractive, interpretations of five words in a simple question, reinforces a critical truth.
How we listen to what people say is important. And, how we interpret the words that enter our minds is even more important.
Testing multiple interpretations of a set of observations is a critical leadership skill. I’ve learned much on this topic from The Kansas Leadership Center. The book Your Leadership Edge [affiliate link] is an excellent resource on this topic.
Managing our self-talk, reframing, and dealing with our inner critic is another important leadership skill. The work of Brene’ Brown and many others in this area is highly valuable.
I won’t dig into this important topic in this post. It requires a post of its own, or even a series of posts.
Empathize before you ask
I’ve shared some of my own interpretations of the question “Do you need any help?” Maybe you can envision yourself responding in a similar way. Or, maybe you could see one of your teammates having the responses I sometimes have.
To apply what I’ve outlined I encourage you to take one of these actions this week.
- Take some time to think about who in your organization might have a reaction similar to the ones I shared.
- Consider other interpretations the people you want to help might have when you just ask “Do you need any help?”
- Identify relationship dynamics that might cause a negative or inaccurate interpretation of the question.
Taking these steps will help you develop empathy with your teammates and deepen your understanding of their perspective.
And, you will be more equipped to lead your teammates with kindness and confidence.
You will also be more prepared to benefit from my next post where I’ll offer suggestions on how we can choose our words intentionally to help avoid triggering negative self-talk in our teammates and distracting them from accomplishing their work.
Let’s lead with kindness and confidence.
Greg
Discussion Questions
- What has this post revealed to you about your motives when offering to help others?
- What other ways might your teammates interpret the question “Do you need any help?”
Has this post been helpful? If it is has, please share your input in the comments section so we can learn together.
I have been the leader who tries to give people the opportunity to ask for help, but i am also guilty of “Obviously you do not have the situation under control. I’ve asked you to do a job and you clearly can’t get it done. It’s time for me to step in and assign this work to someone competent. Or maybe I just need to do it myself.” This is what I meant by “Do you need help?” But was trying to be positive. Hit the nail on the head. Thought provoking tonight.
I’m glad my comments got you thinking, Anne.
As I wrote, I became much more aware of how I can improve both in how I receive information and how I transmit it. In next week’s post, I’ll make some suggestions on how to phrase an offer for help in better ways. As you’re thinking and processing through the week, I’d love to hear your recommendations on better ways to ask someone if they need help.
Thanks for taking the time to read the post and to comment.