If you’re like many leaders, emotions and leadership may not be a comfortable combination.
Even the word “emotions” may make you squirm a bit.
Talking about how to deal with the feelings of your teammates might make you… well, you can’t even think of the word to use to describe how it makes you feel.
And, that, my friend, is part of the problem.
But, it also points to a powerful first step you can take to get started integrating emotions and leadership.
Your teammates need you to embrace emotions and leadership
Even if we aren’t comfortable with feelings and emotions, our teammates need us to learn how to incorporate emotions into our leadership practices and behaviors.
We are all emotional beings. Emotions and feelings are a part of who we are. So, if we are going to lead a team of people, people with emotions, we need to be committed to learning and growing in this area.
Think about two of my recent posts.
In “An Easy Way To Check In With Your Team“, we discussed the importance of reaching out to your teammates to find out how they are really doing. Do you think those conversations might involve some discussions of emotions and feelings?
Of course they will.
And how about the post, “7 Thoughtful Questions To Help Your Team Be Strong“?
You can be sure that a question like “What’s one of the worst things you’ve ever overcome or endured?” might stimulate a reply rich with emotion and feelings. The other six powerful questions will do the same.
If they don’t, your teammate is probably not being very open with you. And, you’ve got some work to do to build trust in the relationship.
But, even if you are convinced you need to be better at discussing and managing conversations involving emotions and feelings, it doesn’t mean it’s easy.
You may be the type of person who even struggles to know what you are feeling yourself. And, being able to talk about how someone else is feeling?
That is not going to happen.
But, everyone has feelings. And, everyone can get better at recognizing the feelings they have.
Even vampires.
You aren’t the only one who struggles
I’m recognizing a theme in my writing. I often include content designed for children.
Right or wrong, I find some of the most powerful messages for adults in books or videos created for kids.
For example.
We can always… wait for it.
Count on Sesame Street, can’t we?
Sorry. I couldn’t resist. You get the real me with this blog. Bad jokes included.
But seriously. The powerful first step any leader can take to get started integrating emotions into their leadership practices is to learn to identify and name how they feel.
Naming or labeling our feelings and emotions is critical to bringing emotions and leadership together to care for the people on our teams.
Wisdom and a tool from an expert on emotions
Susan David, Ph.D. is an award-winning Harvard Medical School psychologist and author of the book, Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life. You may have seen her TED Talk on critical psychological skills for thriving in times of complexity and change since it’s had over 1 million views.
The benefits of labeling our emotions
In this short video, Dr. David makes this statement.
Labeling emotions is fundamental to our ability to be effective.
Susan David, Ph.D.
Did you hear her describe the benefits of identifying and labeling our feelings beyond simply saying something like we feel “stressed”?
“Stress” is big, ambiguous, and intimidating.
Dr. David recommends using more descriptive and accurate labels like these instead of the generic, vague term “stressed.”
- Disappointed
- Angry
- Frustrated
- Betrayed
- I thought my career would be more than it is right now
Those terms start to get closer to the root of what we are really feeling when we say we are feeling “stressed”.
She explains how using these more specific terms reduces anxiety and activates our brains to focus on the issues we need to address.
Labeling our emotions equips us as leaders to do the things that lead to success for our teams. Things like setting goals, having difficult conversations, and asking for the help we need.
All these benefits come from simply being more specific about what we are feeling.
And, then saying these more descriptive terms out loud.
A tool to help us label our emotions
Dr. David offers a set of alternatives to our typical “umbrella” terms in this LinkedIn post.
Dr. David isn’t the only expert who believes in the power of naming our feelings.
Another expert opinion and another tool
When a doctor tells you something, it’s often a good idea to get a second opinion from another doctor.
The doctors agree
On the topic of the value of labeling our feeling and the benefit of emotions and leadership, Dr. Susan David’s position is supported by another expert psychologist, Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener.
When you connect an expert like Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener with an expert interviewer like Michael Bungay Stanier you get an outstanding podcast episode (and more than the typical number of names).
Not a doctor but still an expert
If you aren’t familiar with Michael Bungay Stanier, check out my introduction of him in this blog post or read his story on his website. He’s not a doctor, but he is definitely an expert on coaching and leading teams.
An exceptional and practical conversation between experts
I originally recommended Michael Bungay Stanier’s podcast series called “We Will Get Through This” in this blog post.
This is another outstanding episode. These two highly educated and experienced experts keep the conversation practical, real, and entertaining.
In the episode, Michael and Dr. Diener start an engaging discussion (at 3:30) on the benefits of being aware of and distinguishing between the many feelings we feel, positive and negative.
People who are more aware of their own emotions are better equipped to accept the reality of difficult situations and lead their teams through challenging circumstances.
Naming and separating our feelings brings relaxation
Dr. Diener describes emotion differentiation, the ability to label and distinguish between one’s emotions. He explains the benefit of putting this skill into practice.
The act of being more specific about our feelings helps us to be less anxious.
And, every leaders knows reduced anxiety levels allow us to lead our teams more effectively.
As soon as someone starts parsing apart… their emotions, they begin to relax.
Dr. Robert Biswas-Diener
The separation of feelings doesn’t eliminate them. We still feel our emotions. But, the increased level of detail helps us manage them better and be in a less agitated, stressed state.
We become less overwhelmed when we name our specific feelings and emotions.
But, to distinguish emotions, we must start with a robust vocabulary of emotion words and practice them.
Building and sharing our emotional vocabulary
As we develop and use a more extensive set of words to describe how we are feeling, our teams will learn from us. They will also become more aware of their own emotions.
In the podcast, Michael and Dr. Diener recommend this emotions wheel from a post by swiss-miss.com.
As they note, a conversation between teammates when one person says they are “angry with a hint of frustration and becoming resentful” is much more powerful than a response of “I’m mad“.
By engaging in deeper conversations with those on our team using a rich emotional vocabulary, we can understand them better. We can be more empathetic and lead them more effectively.
The benefit is of naming our feelings is not just for our team members, it benefits us as individuals too.
To learn about the science of this phenomenon, you can read the article “The Science Behind Why Naming Our Feelings Makes Us Happier Science“.
Two doctors, a Rhodes Scholar, and a scientific study support the idea that integrating emotions and leadership is critical for any leader’s success.
But maybe you just don’t trust those academic types. If that’s the case, here’s another leadership expert you might belief.
One more expert for good measure
If you aren’t yet convinced that great leaders must be in tune with and manage their own emotions and the emotions of their team members, would you consider the opinion of a retired Brigadier General?
You can read Tom Kolditz’s full bio here, but let’s just say he knows what he’s talking about when it comes to leadership.
So, while you’re on Michael Bungay Stanier’s “We Will Get Through This” podcast site, listen to this episode too.
General Kolditz explains how managing feelings and emotions is especially critical during times of high tension and crisis.
But, I have to be honest with you. Full diclosure here.
Tom Kolditz is also a doctor. He has a PhD in Psychology from the University of Missouri. And three Master’s degrees.
I don’t know about you, but I’m going to pay attention when this guy talks about leadership.
And, if he says understanding and managing emotions are important skills for leaders, I’m going to keep working to improve in this area.
Expert consensus on emotions and leadership
So that makes it three doctors, a Rhode’s scholar, and a Count.
They all agree on the importance of identifying and naming our feelings and emotions.
The experts make it clear.
To be the best leaders we can be we need to continue to expand our emotional vocabulary. We need to welcome and embrace conversations involving feelings. And, we need to help our teammates do the same.
With the wisdom of these experts and a few easy tools, it’s not hard to get started.
We can begin now being more aware of our own emotions and even more effective at leading our teams with kindness and confidence.
So, how do you feel about that?
Let’s lead with kindness and confidence.
Greg
Discussion Questions
- On a scale of 1 to 10, how aware are you of your own emotions and feelings?
- Can you label them when you feel them?
I’m interested to know how you put these tools into practice in your organization with your teams. Please share your experiences in the comments section so we can learn together.
