Everyone wants to know how to deal with a bully. Because, unfortunately, we’ve all seen bullies in action.
It makes our stomachs turn. Watching one person push another person around to get their way is sickening.
It’s especially difficult when we’re the one being bullied. Even worse though is when we’re (gulp) the bully.
It can happen to anyone
Me? A bully? Yes. Sad, but true.
My last post, What Does It Mean To Be Kind? was based on the children’s book with the same title [affiliate link]. I was struck by a section on bullying and kindness.
In the first image a young child cowers behind the protection of a taller friend as two other children point and taunt their victim. Reconciliation follows as the victim and her protector, seeking peace, confront the bullies. The third picture is an encouraging reminder of the power of forgiveness.
I could see myself in any of the roles, including the bully. Only as an adult. And, not in a book but in real life.
Sadly, I’ve been the one pointing my finger with an angry look on my face. Rarely or ever at work, but far too often at home.
I can bully with the worst of them.
How about you? I’m sure you’ve been bullied, as a child and probably even as an adult.
Maybe you’ve even been the bully a couple of times? It’s okay to admit it. It can happen to anyone.
Remembering that we too have the potential to be a bully is critical to having the proper mindset when dealing with others.
So what do we can we do to kindly and confidently deal with a bully?
I suggest we follow these four strategies.
Strategy 1: Remember you’re dealing with another human being
As hard as it may be to recognize in the moment, the person who is behaving as a bully is a person. Their actions may make them appear more like a monster than a human at that moment, but they are still flesh and blood with a mind and soul. Just like we are even when we’re acting like a bully.
They deserve respect and compassion. Not because they have earned it through their actions but simply because they are a human being. Just like you and just like me.
If we can remember that they too are humans trying to their best, we can approach a bully with more empathy and kindness.
Strategy 2: Consider how they got here
My teenage son and I were discussing a high-ranking government official who regularly bullies those around him. With wisdom far beyond his years, my son said, “I wonder what happened to him to make him behave like that?“
Asking ourselves this question can provide an entirely new perspective on how we view a bully.
In a “60 Minutes” segment on developmental trauma, Oprah Winfrey talked about what she called a “life-changing question” that shifts our perspective.
“See, we go through life and we see kids who are misbehaving. ‘You juvenile delinquents,’ we label them. And really the question that we should be asking is not ‘what’s wrong with that child’ but ‘what happened to that child?’ And then having the resources to be able to address what happened to you. The most important question you can ask of anybody which is what I now say even for the Parkland [school] shooting – instead of what’s the matter with that kid, I say what happened to that child?”
Oprah Winfrey
Oprah’s description of misbehaving kids applies to misbehaving adults as well.
Adult bullies were at some point kids themselves. And, the odds are high that they were bullied as a child or subject to even more damaging abuse which contributes to their poor behavior now.
Strategy 3: Seek to help them
As difficult as it may be with those who are behaving so poorly, we must seek to help them. This is what leaders do.
Leaders seek the best for those around them.
While seeking the good of someone doing something bad may seem counter-intuitive and completely unattractive at first, consider this.
Serving the bully does not mean we allow them to continue with their poor behavior. Quite the opposite. To allow another person to continue to hurt others is not in their best interest at all.
To serve them we must take action. This is not easy. It will take significant courage. But it must be done if we truly want to help our teammates.
Through action we will not only be serving the one doing the bullying but also their victims.
Strategy 4: Take courageous action
So what does taking action look like to deal with a bully? The answer depends, of course, on your unique situation.
Your relationship to the bully, the setting of the incident you observe, the nature of the act, all these factors must be considered. However, here are some general guidelines to consider.
Confront the bully
When you have an existing relationship with a person, having a conversation with them about their behavior is much easier.
This is one of the reasons we should strive to develop relationships built on mutual trust and respect with all our teammates. With this foundation in place, we can go to the person in private after you have observed their poor behavior and have a courageous conversation with them.
Conversations like this are not easy, but they are highly valuable. The article is We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations by Judy Ringer is a helpful guide to follow.
Janet Meeks in her book Gracious Leadership: Lead Like You’ve Never Led Before [affiliate link] also includes tips on confronting a Bully Boss in the chapter “Gracious Leaders are Courageous”.
Through hard conversations with those who are behaving as bullies, it is quite possible you will learn more about them as a person.
They may share more of who they are and what drives their behavior. With this increased understanding, you may appreciate their struggles more and discover ways to help them improve their behavior and your team’s performance as a result.
Talk with someone in authority
In some circumstances, it may not be best, or even possible, to talk directly with the bully. You may need to take action by talking to the person you report to or by contacting the person in a position of authority over the bully.
This is especially true if you do not have a relationship with the person. When done with the correct motives, talking to a person’s supervisor, coach, etc. is not being a “tattle tale”, it is seeking to care for the other person so they can improve.
Report the incident
Depending on the nature and the severity of the bullying behavior, the most appropriate action may be to officially report the incident. This is especially true if the behavior is a violation of your organization’s policies or even a violation of the law.
Most organizations have anonymous hotlines established to support this type of reporting. Reports should trigger a thorough investigation with appropriate actions according to the applicable standards and policies based on the findings.
I know from my own experiences that making a call to a hotline can be scary. I encourage you to be courageous.
Remind yourself that being a bully is not good in any way. It is not good for the bully, the victim, your team, or your organization. Filing an official report of an incident is sometimes a necessary step to bring about what is best for everyone involved.
Conclusion
It’s not easy to deal with someone who is acting like a bully. But, when we realize we too are capable of behaving in the same way, we are more equipped treat them how we would want to be treated.
By applying these four strategies, we can act with kindness and confidence to deal with a bully as we seek their best and the best of the team.
Let’s do something great.
Greg
Discussion Questions
- Have you observed or experienced bullying in your team environments?
- Have you or someone you know confronted a bully? What worked well? What didn’t work like you hoped it would?
Hi…I think this a really timely post. I haven’t seen bully conflict in my work setting within the last few years, but I’m concerned to be prepared to deal with conflict from bullies outside work. I appreciate your initial coping suggestions and believe they will work in professional and personal situations. The challenge is if they don’t resolve the situation in the personal situation. I’m thinking that may simply be a situation where we intervene and seek to defuse or limit the damage. And in some situations it even involve a physical risk.
You’re right, Marlon. Intervening to introduce calm and try to reduce the damage that is occurring is a good step to take. But, as you said it can be risky as most acts of leadership are.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I have been bullied in the work place and it’s never an easy decision on what is the right thing to do. I have found HR is not necessarily your friend either. I feel you could be tagged as a complainer and be put on the short list especially if they have been in the organization a long time. Having a one on one with this person doesn’t work either if for some reason the person has already made up their mind about you. My wife always says kill them with kindness, and I agree that is the best strategy I have used.
I am sorry to hear that you have been bullied in the workplace. Stories like yours are far too common.
I completely agree that knowing what the right thing to do is not easy. Each situation is different and requires wisdom to know how to respond. This is especially true when there are systemic issues within the organization as you describe.
I find that seeking counsel from those I trust and learning from them helps me. I appreciate you sharing your comments so others can hear your experience and know they are not alone when they go through similar struggles.