In my last post, Why “Do You Need Any Help?” May Not Really Help, I explained how this simple question can be interpreted (or misinterpreted) in ways that don’t actually help the person you’re trying to support.
No leader wants their teammates to be hindered instead of supported when they offer assistance. This is especially true when we’re being sincere and doing our best to ask them the right way.
This scenario can be discouraging. It can make even the best leaders think twice before asking their teammates if they need support.
So, if we shouldn’t ask our teammates the question “Do you need any help?” because there’s a risk our words might trigger their negative self-talk and distract them from accomplishing their work, what should we do?
We can’t control what they think or how they respond.
So, what actions can we take as kind and confident leaders?
I don’t have all the right answers, but I do have some suggestions that I’ve seen produce positive results.
And, you’re right that we can’t control how our teammates respond to what we say. But, I do have some good news for you on that topic.
Good news. We can control what we say
This is one of my favorite leadership phrases.
Control what you can control
So many things are beyond our influence. Even our own initial thoughts and feelings we have when we hear the question, “Do you need any help?” can’t be stopped. They can only be processed and reinterpreted appropriately.
If we can’t completely control our own initial reactions to what we hear, we certainly shouldn’t think we can control the reactions our teammates have when we ask them a question.
We can, however, influence their interpretation of our words and their response.
How?
By controlling what we can control.
And, what we can control is what we say.
This is encouraging news because it means we have the power to bring about the results we are hoping to achieve. We can take action and that’s what good leaders do.
As leaders we can, and should, intentionally choose our words to support and serve our teams.
With this in mind let’s consider these five better ways to ask your teammates the question, “Do you need any help?”
Better does not mean easier
I want to disclose something before I propose these improvements over the short and simple question “Do you need any help?”
Compared to that familiar phrase, these questions are not as quick and easy to ask. They all involve more than just five words and they take a bit more thought at first.
Saying more than just “Do you need any help?” may initially seem awkward. You might stumble over your words. That’s okay.
A short digression on the benefits of imperfection
Being a good leader means trying new things to improve. It means getting things wrong at first and making mistakes.
Being a leader requires us to admit we aren’t perfect and then do things that reveal this reality.
I share more on this subject in my post You Don’t Have To Be Perfect To Be Ideal.
Those who are watching you and looking to you as an example aren’t perfect either.
Your courage to ask your teammates if they need help using new words and phrases, even if you don’t get it exactly right, will be an encouragement for them to to do the same with their teammates.
And, when they see you doing it imperfectly, they will have more confidence to take their own imperfect first steps.
With practice, this new set of questions will become more natural to you and to those who follow your example. As you use them regularly you will see the payback of the uncomfortable investment you make.
The benefit to the person you’re asking and your entire team will become evident with time.
Back to these better (but not easier) questions
As I said earlier, we can’t control how someone who hears our words will react to what we say to them. Not only can we not control their response, we can’t even fully know or understand their interpretation.
We certainly can’t do this if they don’t share their thoughts with us. And, many times our teammates aren’t going to do that.
However, based on our experiences, we can empathize and learn how people typically react to certain words we use.
With this in mind, let’s get to these five better ways to ask your teammates the question, “Do you need any help?”.
Better Ways To Ask “Do You Need Any Help?”
I admit I can’t be absolutely certain the example dialogues I present are applicable to you and your teammates.
Still, I’m pretty confident my speculations on how others might respond to my suggested questions are not far off from what you will experience when you try them out.
If they don’t work for you, change them. Adapt them. Make them fit for your personal style and the unique personalities that make up your team.
Choose your words to avoid negative triggers
With all the techniques below, consider how the question, “Do you need any help?” might trigger a negative response you don’t intend.
With the addition of just a few words, you can help make the dialogue a positive and encouraging experience for the person you want to help. You can avoid creating a negative encounter that actually hinders their progress.
Try integrating these tips into each of the following techniques.
- Affirm the progress the person has made
- Be transparent with your reasons for offering help
- Support your teammate’s ability to do the work on their own
- Avoid the temptation to step in and take over
- Admit that your offer to help may not be what they really need
Notice how the example scripts include applications of each of these concepts.
1. Offer ideas on how you might help
Before you casually ask your teammate, “Do you need any help?”, invest some time to observe their situation.
Ask yourself these questions.
- Is the person struggling with something I find easy?
- Does the person dislike doing something I enjoy?
- Can I teach them something I know to help them do their work more productively?
What you might say
Patrina, I heard you say you don’t like organizing the data we get from our customer surveys. I actually enjoy doing that. I’m not trying to take work from you or take over your project, but is that something I could do so you can focus on other tasks?
What they might hear
Lionel heard me when I talked about what I prefer not to do in this role. He knows I can do the job, but he actually likes doing what I can’t stand to do. I would love to give him that task so I can make more progress on this project.
2. Be specific regarding your availability
If you’re serious about helping the person you’re asking, make an offer you can actually deliver on. Being specific with your offer to help has many benefits.
By planning ahead and considering when you are available, you can communicate healthy boundaries as you ask your teammate if they need help.
Applying this technique can also make it easier for you to offer to help others more often.
Limiting your time commitment calms the fear you may have of getting pulled in to a project and overwhelmed with work you didn’t sign up for.
An added bonus is avoiding any resentment that might be created when you find yourself being asked to help in a way you didn’t intend.
What you might say
Hi Larry. You’ve really been working hard on your project and I know you’ve got a deadline coming up soon. I’ve got some free time today from 3:00 – 4:00 or Thursday 9:00 – 10:30. Is there anything I can support you with during those times?
What they might hear
Anne is aware of my project timeline and knows I’m not just slacking off. She sees I could really use some help. She must be serious about helping me if she’s already looked at her calendar and knows when she’s available.
3. Help as you ask the question
Help can come in a variety of forms. Encouragement and appreciation can sometimes be just as helpful as completing tasks. People experience appreciation in different ways. The book The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace by Gary Chapman and Paul White [affiliate link] is a valuable resource on that topic.
Before you ask a teammate if they need help, consider how you might help them even as you ask. You may be able to do this with something that is simple and easy for you but has a major positive impact on the other person.
What you might say
How are you doing, Fatima? At the coffee shop this morning I was thinking of you and the late nights you’ve been putting in lately. I brought you a cappuccino to give you a boost this morning. I don’t know if I can help some other way, but I’d be happy to if you have any ideas.
What they might hear
Wow! I don’t really have anything I can have Nishi help with right now, but this caffeine is just what I need this morning to finish this work.
4. Don’t say “help” if you own the work
As I described in my previous post, the word “help” really doesn’t apply if you’re the owner of the task. If someone else is working on tasks you also own, your efforts to complete those tasks aren’t “help”. The work is what every owner should be doing.
This is a subtle aspect of word choice, but being careful and intentional with the words we choose is important.
Before you offer to “help” someone ask yourself these questions.
- Do I have any ownership of the work I’m offering to “help” with?
- Did I create the mess I am offering to “help” clean up?
If the answer to either of these questions is “yes”, then “help” probably isn’t the appropriate word to use.
Choose language that acknowledges and reinforces the fact that you are just as responsible for completing the work as the person you’re talking to. For instance, using “our” and “we” instead of “you” and “yours” can make a big difference.
You both should be investing time and energy to complete the job. As owners, your participation is not optional.
Try something like this when approaching your teammate.
What you might say
Tim, I’m not sure what I need to do next to get our project done. You seem to be clear on the tasks we need to complete. What do you recommend I do next to help us make progress?
What they might hear
It’s encouraging to know I’m not in this alone. I was beginning to wonder if Amy remembered that she is just as accountable to complete this project as I am. Now I know she feels the responsibility just like I do.
5. Help before you ask
If you know what needs to be done and you can do it, just do it. Without asking.
Clearly this one doesn’t apply to every situation.
Only you know if you have the level of relationship that allows you to take this step. And, you might even overstep at times. But, you also know that the person you’re helping knows your motives and will not be offended.
If you trust one another and you’re familiar with the work they are doing, this technique can be extremely helpful to your teammate. And, it reinforces the strong relationship you already have with them.
When you take the initiative to do work you know the person has to do before you check with them, you’re functioning at level of trust and familiarity that doesn’t exist with all your teammates. It is rare. Similarly, this technique is special and I encourage you to use it with caution.
If you are able to do this regularly with your teammates, be thankful. Your team has obviously invested the time and energy to build deep relationships with mutual trust and respect.
What you might say
Hey, Joe. I noticed you hadn’t picked up the doors for the job over on Monroe Street and they needed to be there by noon. I went over and got them this morning and delivered them for you. Your schedule was packed so I just took care of it. Did I mess anything up by doing that?
What they might hear
I can’t believe I forgot those doors. Simone is a life saver. I’m tempted to feel embarrassed about this, but she’s been in my role before and she knows what it’s like to goof. Glad I’ve got a teammate like her to cover for me in times like this.
Harder than “Do you need any help?” but much better
Did any of these suggestions make you a bit uncomfortable when you thought about using them with your teammates?
Frankly, asking someone if they need any help is usually not uncomfortable at all. The answer is typically, “no”. We aren’t taking much risk by asking “Do you need any help?” because we don’t expect the other person to say “yes”.
We don’t have to prepare and we really don’t have to think about whether we’re being sincere because the chances we will have to take action are low.
But if we want to actually help the people on our team, we need to invest some time to empathize with them and understand how what we say may make them feel and react.
We need to count the cost of our offer to make sure we’re serious and willing to follow through. Our question to our teammate will require thought to ensure we communicate what we really mean.
Then, we can choose our words carefully and intentionally. We can control what we can control. That is, what we say to our teammate.
These things do take time. They are harder than just asking “Do you need any help”.
But, based on my experience, the extra time and effort is a great investment. You will communicate to your teammate that you are a leader who cares about them. A leader who leads with kindness and confidence.
More importantly, you will actually give them what you are offering them, the help they need.
Let’s lead with kindness and confidence.
Greg
Discussion Questions
- Will these example questions work well with your teammates? Why or why not?
- How do you ask your teammates if they need assistance without triggering negative responses?
Has this post been thought provoking? If so, what new ideas did it stir in your mind? Please share your input in the comments section so we can learn together.
