In my last post, I talked about getting our motive right and our mindset established so we can listen to understand. This post will get into when, why, and how to ask for clarification from a person in a non-threatening way so you can better understand their message and communicate that their input is valuable to you.
Avoid After-Meeting Regret
Have you ever left a meeting confident that you really understood what the other people said. But later as you’re running the discussion back through your mind, you’re not sure what a person really meant. I have, time and time again. I might have heard them but when I replay their words, I’m totally confused about what they wanted me to understand or do. If only I could go back into that meeting and ask a clarifying question or two. Let me see if I can help you avoid the after-meeting regret that I described.
Ask for Confirmation Immediately
A great way to better understand what a person said is to ask for confirmation of what you heard immediately after the person speaks. Why immediately? Obviously, the person is right there and available for questions and that’s super convenient, but there are other reasons too. Here are a few that are especially useful in group settings.
- The person’s thoughts are fresh in their mind. Asking a person, in a non-threatening way, to explain something in more detail allows them to process their idea further and build on it.
- Immediate positive feedback is encouraging. Awkward silence is not. I personally consider a sincere request for clarification of what I shared to be positive. Lead by filling the void of silence with a positive contribution.
- Jumping in quickly with a comment that has positive intent prevents someone else from shutting the person down by saying something that takes the conversation in a negative direction.
Seek to Understand
Asking for clarification, even if you aren’t able to do it immediately, almost always has benefit if done with the purpose of better understanding the other person. Here are the reasons I believe in the power of seeking to understand.
- It honors the person. It says, “What I heard from you was valuable. I want to hear more of what you have to say. I’ll invest my time in listening to you.”
- It demonstrates humility. Asking for clarification means that you’re owning your part of communication. You didn’t receive what the other person was transmitting as well as you wanted to. It also communicates that you can learn from the other person.
- It provides the person the opportunity to think more deeply about what they said and clarify it for themselves. We rarely have our thoughts completely sorted out before we start speaking and we often don’t communicate as clearly as we would like. A second attempt at explaining something often results in clearer, more effective communication.
- By disclosing that you didn’t understand everything that was said, you give permission for others to admit the same. This is especially powerful if you have a higher position of authority within the group.
- It brings out valuable input from the group. Questions stimulate more questions and deeper thought not only in the person who shared the idea but in other listeners.
Clarify with Non-Threatening Phrases
Asking someone to clarify or elaborate on their message in a non-threatening way isn’t a hard thing to do once you practice it a little. Here are some phrases that I often use when I don’t fully understand what someone has said.
“Thanks for sharing, Sally. Let me repeat what I think I heard you say.”
“Is that correct?” or “Did I get that right?”
“Could I ask you to pause you for just a minute, Bob? I like the direction you’re going and I want to make sure I understand. Would you please repeat that last point?”
“I love that idea, Ramit. Please tell me more.”
“I guess I don’t understand the situation as well as I thought I did. Would you go over that second item again for me please?”
“I’m sorry, I lost focus for a minute there. Would you please repeat what you just said? I don’t want to miss what you were saying.”
No one is a perfect listener or able to fully understand every message we’re given. We can, however, all improve in our ability to listen to understand those around us.
Let’s lead with kindness and confidence.
Greg
Discussion Questions
- Which questions or phrases have worked well for you when trying to better understand someone’s message?
- Which ones haven’t worked so well? Feel free to share any epic fails you’ve experienced as a result.
About the Author – Learn more about Greg
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